Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
