Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
