He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
