I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
