My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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