I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
