The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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