Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
