Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
