I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
