I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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