By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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