does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
