the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
