my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm both gender and math confused
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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