I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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