If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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