I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
