So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize