I saw his package. It spoke to me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize