Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
