I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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