how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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