is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
please come you make the beer taste better
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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