I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
