Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize