i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
