Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
