Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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