She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
