I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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