I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
