Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
