I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
