just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Drake has all the answers
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
