Betty ford says i'm here all night
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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