is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
