just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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