My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
