I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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