thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
