I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
