I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
