i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
