why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
