Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
