I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
