do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
