had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
