The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
