John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
