Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
