So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
